Aimee's thirteen year old brother, Stephen, had his ideas as well. He stated that being successful meant not being homeless, having fun, and making a difference in the world. He thought that having a positive attitude would help (something he admits he is working on). The last question I asked him is if there is anything in school he feels like he is not learning but would help him succeed in life. He said he would like to learn how to write great literature and to better understand how math ties in with life.
I love asking kids questions (my own kids and my second grade students). You never know what you will get. Most of the time kids come up with very thoughtful and honest answers. Asking kids questions tells them that we care about what they think. Often we adults do most of the talking. At home or in the classroom we are lecturing to them, telling them the rules, and telling them what to do. Rather than telling them what to do or think, why not encourage them to think for themselves? Do we want our kids to grow up to be independent and self confident adults? One way we can do this is by listening to them. Just listen.
Listening to our children results in many benefits:
- We get to know them better: what is important to them , how their minds work, what are their fears, what are their dreams, etc.
- We show that we care and that will result in a closer relationship.
- We model what good listening is: what it looks like, sounds like, and feels like.
- Listening is an important life skill. People who know how to listen will more likely enjoy successful relationships with family, friends, business associates, and anyone else they may encounter.
- Ask them questions. Like I did with my own kids this morning, get in the habit of asking them what they think about things. What we ask them about is not as important as simply getting their opinions and then really listening to them. It is amazing what we can learn if we take the time to do this.
- Have dinner together. Sitting down at the table for a family meal is a wonderful way to connect with our kids and get them talking. To break out of the rut of asking them the usual questions such as "How was your day?" or "How was school?" you can think of other things to ask your family members. A few years ago I purchased a wonderful little gem called "Food for Talk". What it is is a box full of index cards with quotations, questions, and other prompts to get your family thinking and sharing. I have the box with me right now. I just randomly pulled out two cards. One simply says: " Tell about your most embarassing moment". The second one gives us a quote from Proverbs 4:5. "Learn to be wise," he said, "and develop good judgement and common sense! I cannot overemphasize this point." Then the card asks this question for your family to discuss: "How can you develop wisdom, good judgement and common sense?". My family has really had some delightful conversations at the dinner table thanks to this little box of cards. My daughter, who was six when I purchased these, took (and still does) great delight in bringing the box to the table and pulling out a card. I purchased Food for Talk from a delightful company named Chinaberry . They are a website and catalog that promote themselves as "Books and other treasures for the whole family". I have been a Chinaberry customer for years and I can not say enough good things about them. Their reviews on children's books are particularly good. The Food for Talk box can also be purchased directly from the company's site: www.foodfortalk.net . It promotes itself as "Bringing families together one conversation at a time". It does do that! :.)
- Special dinner plate: another fun dinner conversation idea is for a family member to get the "special plate". In our family, this plate was one our son made at his preschool at age four. Whoever has the special plate gets to listen to the other family members say something nice about them. For instance, let's say it is my daughter Aimee's turn to have the plate. The rest of us would then go around and take turns saying something nice about Aimee. It could be a compliment or something we appreciate about her. This gets the family talking and listening. It makes the person with the special plate feel special, loved, and appreciated. It brings our family closer because we become mindful of the things we appreciate about each other.
- Family meetings. These can be structured anyway your family wants. They can take place on a weekly basis at a certain day and time. You can come up with an agenda. Families can talk about all kinds of things: catching up with each other, household chores, challenges family members are experiencing, plans for the weekend , an upcoming family vacation, family budgeting, service projects to do as a family etc. The important thing is all family members have a voice and feel listened to. Children learn that their input is valuable in helping run a happy family, household, and life.
- Have a dyad with your kid. The Websters dictionary I own defines a dyad as "Having a combining power of two". How you do a dyad with someone else is sit very close to them, face to face. It is also good to have physical contact with them such as holding hands or having your knees touch. Then one person asks their partner a question. It could be anything you want. For example, you could say, "partner (or the person's name), what are your dreams?". Then, say, for two minutes, you just listen to whatever they say. You maintain eye contact with them the entire time. It is important to know that this is not a dialogue. You just listen to your partner. If they stop talking just look at them and chances are they will resume. You can always simply restate the same question "partner, what are your dreams?" and then wait for them to respond. When time is up you switch roles. This is an extremely powerful technique. There is something almost magical when you look into someone's eyes and open up and share and receive your innermost thoughts with them. Try it! It is a great thing to try with your spouse as well. I got this listening idea from participating in programs offered by a wonderful organization here in Jacksonville, Florida called LIFEWORKS Jacksonville, inc.
- Reflective listening: reflective listening is a simple technique to use and teach. After someone talks, say something like: "Debra, I heard you say_______". They will either feel you understood them or they will now have the opportunity to clarify what they said. I use this technique all the time in my second grade classroom. During class discussions I will use it. A student name Ellen will share. I will then say "Ellen, I heard you say_____. Is that right?" or to the class "What I heard Ellen say______". I have noticed that the student who spoke really feels they were heard and often then what happens is another young student will add to the conversation by saying something like: "I would like to add to what Ellen said about____". It is quite wonderful to experience these kids engaged in thoughtful discussion.
- To help with our active listening skills we have started to do another reflective listening technique in our classroom. As a morning warm up right after announcements I will think of a topic. Say the topic is " talk about a kind act that someone else has done for you". I usually begin. So I will say "Something nice someone did for me is when James brought out a chair for me to sit on during recess time without my even asking him". The student that follows me will then have to reflect what I said and then share his own idea. For instance, Jason follows me by saying "Mrs. Techentien told us about James being kind to her by bringing a chair for her to sit on during recess. My next door neighbor was kind when he helped us look for our last cat, Ginger". We do this until everyone has had a chance to participate. You can hear a pin drop in our classroom when we are doing this because the students need to be really listening carefully in order to reflect back the prior person's sharing when it is their turn to talk. The students also know that after a classmate shares something orally with the class anybody could be called on to give feedback to that person or restate what the person said.
- We adults need to model good listening behavior. Children learn from what we do. We can show them what good listening looks, sounds, and feels like. Our body language is very important. When our kids are talking to us we need to stop what we are doing and really give them our full attention. This means facing them, looking them directly in the eye, and not looking distracted. Kids are smart and they know when we are really listening or not. We can use the reflecting techniques previously talked about and ask clarifying questions. Don't interrupt. We may also want to refrain from giving advice. So often we want to jump in and "fix' our kids' problems. Perhaps we would be wise to work on just listening to them and gently guiding them to their own solutions. As their parent, teacher, or adult mentors, their is certainly a place to share with the children in our lives our opinions. All I am suggesting is that perhaps we wait for them to ask us and be more focused on what they have to say and what they think about things. One of my favorite authors, Stephen R. Covey, talks about this in his wonderful book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. In his chapter about Habit 5 : Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood, he talks about the principles of empathic communication. I read this book about a year ago and this one chapter has really stuck with me. Empathic listening is simply listening with the intent to understand rather than listening with the intent to reply. Mr. Covey makes the point that so often when we are "listening" to someone what we are really doing is speaking or preparing to speak.
Until the next post,
Debra
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